There was a moment in time I didn't want to keep going… I didn't see a purpose anymore. It was the darkest moment of my life and I never would have imagined getting to that point. The bottle of pills beside my bed seemed the best and cleanest way to go through with ending my life. I sat down with overwhelming emotions, tears streaming down my face to write a suicide note… explaining how much I loved my family and that they were not at fault for the decision I was about to make.
Let us take a step back… to see how and what got me to this point.
I grew up with a wonderful family who loved me, cared for me and made sure I was attending church once if not two or three times a week. I knew all about Jesus, I truly believed that He died for me, and I claimed the title of a Christian. It wasn't a perfect family, but what family is? My parents had a tight rein on me, and everything needed passed through them before I was able to go anywhere even down to researching a movie for language/sexual scenes/etc. before I could go (now as I am older with a family of my own I see this as being something I am proud to see my parents did through their parenting in order to protect me).
As I got older and especially into those teen years the crowd around me tended to have more influence on me than I even realized. I had 'wanting a relationship' as an idol far above my relationship with God, this was my biggest sin desire and when looking for that relationship it was not focused on one who honored myself or God. Without getting too graphic, a bad first relationship with sexual sin turned into side 'relationships' of promiscuous photos being shared. Instead of pursuing my Creator, I pursued boys who were far from pursuing me intentionally and appropriately. I was so far from God without even knowing it, had a wonderful life but put so much before God (Hosea 2:8). Years down the road telling my testimony, I had a woman speak to me further saying "you could have easily been a trafficking victim with the way you were living" and she mentioned how much of a blessing my parents' strict rules actually helped that to not come true. She was so right, boundaries were often broken, I lived how I saw the world and those around me living… without any thought of consequence.
After graduation I enrolled in college and commuted from my parents’ house for one semester before moving out on my own. The relationship I had at the time turned unhealthy and I had distanced myself from my faith, my family and friends. I had made this idol so large in my life that nothing else mattered and when that relationship was having problems, I felt I had nothing else left. I didn’t realize how much of an idol I had created, until it got to this point.
Please come back next week to read part two of my testimony.
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