God Humbled Me Part Two
I believe the recognition I received from others stems from something deeper. Growing up, my biological mother wasn’t around much. I spent most of my time with my grandmother. My biological father lives states away and wants nothing to do with me. I feel abandoned and discarded by my own parents. This actually affected me more as an adult. Honestly, I feel like an orphan. There is no feeling like it when the people that gave birth to you are uninterested in their own child. Praise God that He put people in my life that love me as their own and that He calls me His child! He is a father to the orphans. The pride I experienced was so subtle and sneaky. The neglect from my parents caused me to think that if I do things for people, then they would love and recognize me. I feel I have to earn love from others. This is a struggle for me daily.
After this conviction, I did confess my sin. Then, I looked up to heaven and said, “God you can keep me here as long as you need until I learn from this, even if that means I would never be filled with your Spirit again or feel your presence.” At this point, even though I repented of my sin, I still did not feel delivered or forgiven by God. I truly felt I had sinned so bad and committed an unforgivable sin.
After all, it was pride that cast Satan out of Heaven. I felt like I would be discarded in the same way. Days went by and I still felt despair. It wasn’t until Sunday, March 12th, that I finally believed I was redeemed from my sin. While driving with my sister-in-law to church, I explained the burden I was carrying. When she spoke, I knew it was God speaking to me. Her words were so comforting and encouraging. Then, she prayed over me. We went into the church to volunteer and went our separate ways. As I was on my way to sign in, the children’s minister and I crossed paths. When I saw her, I told her I needed a few minutes and couldn’t go in the classroom yet. She asked me what the matter was. I explained everything to her too.
She encouraged me and her conversation was a continuation of my sister in law.
When I went into the classroom, the small group leader was not there. I had to lead “small group”. Out of all days, at my lowest and weakest, God allowed this to happen. Why? I believe He wanted me to have complete dependency on Him at that moment. God showed up! I was able to deliver the lesson to the children, and not in my own strength or feelings but in Him! After my volunteer shift, a woman that relieves me asked how I was. I gave her a short version of my recent conviction and struggles. Her words of encouragement continued on from the children’s minister. It was like one big conversation from God, but told by three separate women. All three conversations synchronized together as one! I believe God spoke through these women to encourage me and remind me of God’s truth and promises. God is so mysterious and creative!
The second conviction God revealed to me was my lack of faith in Him. Instead of putting my trust in Him, I put trust in a feeling. God is not a feeling nor is faith a feeling. I had this twisted truth that God is only with me when I can feel His presence. I had forgotten the truth that God is omnipresent. It’s kind of like the saying, “I will believe it, when I see it!” In the same way, in my mind, I will believe Him, when I feel Him. This is called walking by sight not by faith. God had completely stripped me down to nothing. Then, He distanced Himself from me and I no longer felt His presence. This was a test of faith. He wanted to see if I would maintain my trust and allegiance to Him. God asked me if I would still follow Him if I didn’t receive any more spiritual highs, gifts, blessings or the power of His presence. At this point, I had to walk on sheer faith. I no longer could put my trust in the feeling of His presence. I now had to put my faith in His character, His word and His will. It was difficult, but necessary for me to fully depend on Him and mature in my faith.
When I came home after work on Monday, March 13, there were flowers delivered to me. I couldn’t guess who they could be from. I opened up the envelope where there was a little note inside. It read, “You are chosen and loved no matter what! (With her name).” I was blown away! This woman, who is practically a stranger to me, was led to send me flowers. I know that it was this woman (the 3rd person I talked to) that sent me them, but in my heart, I knew it came from God. My heavenly Father used her to send me flowers! It was a little love nudge from Him, showing His love and His faithfulness to me!
God will allow the enemy to tempt you. God will allow trials to come into your life. All is a test of faith, even His silence. He wants you to depend on Him only. Also, God will convict you of any sin against Him and will humble you. God loves you so much that he doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes. He wants to grow you in character and mature you in your faith. Take heart, there will be revelation and deliverance! He forgives us of all sins when we confess them to Him. Praise God in these times!
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